Running Myself into the Ground

As previous posts may have suggested, my mental state is a touch fragile at the moment.

Possibly the most frustrating aspect of this is that I frequently now end up on this blog, only able to articulate these complaints. Perhaps this will change in a weeks time when I should get an opportunity to figure out how to be human again. For in truth, I have to admit that I am currently running myself into the ground.

I have put in a stupid amount of hours work in the past week. If my maths are correct (and honestly, that is a dubious claim in my current state) the tally is just past eighty hours. I have engaged in this foolish endeavour knowing full well what it would do to me and how little it would be worth the effort.

This self-awareness is almost more worrying. For if I knew that I was about to annihilate my body and sense of well-being then why did I continue down the same road? As this intense stretch comes to an end I have to wonder what will happen to me on the other side. Do I want to burn out? If that is the case, how much more miserable will I be when I do?

At any rate, these answers will likely be agonised over in my next post.

-The English Student

Title:

I have never felt like I want to write here less.

I feel like shit. I spend all of my time putting up this massive façade, pretending that I know what I'm talking about, know where I'm going, know what I'm doing and know who I am. I trick people into thinking that I'm good. This perpetual lie that I foist onto these wonderful people makes me feel worse.

I give people advice that I am not able to follow myself. This is hypocritical. How can I look someone in the eye and tell them that I know they're going to be okay, when I do not even believe that about myself?

Now, as it happens, I find that even this paltry, pathetic excuse of a life is untenable in its current form. I have all of these brilliant opportunities around me and huge groups of positive people, yet I can never find peace amongst. I am not worthy of them.

I am so tired of all this. Perhaps forcing myself to keep up with this weekly blog is something to hold on to.

-The English Student

Life Invasion

I have kept my life in small chunks.

These little divisions have included different groups of friends, different places and different mindsets. This weekend however, I have found them mixing. I had anticipated this and while nervous, was happy to see what would happen. The only thing that now worries me is that they may be mixing too quickly and without my control.

This may just be a step towards giving myself a coherent life. Yet at the same time I cannot help but wonder if there was a reason for keeping my life fragmented. I do not trust myself in certain situations and with certain people. Perhaps this compartmentalisation was an effort to make a new beginning with people and therefore break free of old patterns.

At any rate, the main thing that I need to do this weekend is to go along with things and not complicate matters. For any normal person, this problem would not even exist so it is surely a natural and beneficial step for some disparate elements of my life to start pulling together.

Hopefully I can even enjoy it too.

-The English Student

Shower Physiology

Surely the contemporary epiphany happens in the shower.

The moment that I step into the shower my entire body goes under a transformation. I only recently realised this transformation as the whole process of showering, the rushing water is a distraction. It is like a moment of transition. As the water hits me my body and mind sinks into a relaxation.

People frequently seem to realise the power of the shower for problem solving. Any kind of mental issue or problem that needs to be sorted out gains a completely new perspective in the shower. The aforementioned moment of transition necessarily gives a new light and affords new thinking patterns the room to work.

The other obvious benefit (apart from making us clean!) is that the shower is a place that work can rarely be done in. I once managed to do some study in the shower with a creative use of plastic pockets and tape but that is certainly not the norm. When there is no practical way to make progress on something we do not feel the usual pressure associated with it.

I may go for one right now actually.

-The English Student