If I take any action that leads to the slightest negative consequences for anyone, by and large I will feel guilty. There are of course exceptions to that rule, as some people are truly not worth the energy that this guilt would cost me. But mostly any possible joy I can have from a situation will be tempered by the potential that it costs someone else the same joy.
I realised yet another aspect to this early in the week. I heard of something tragic and I instantly felt guilty for my own inaction in remedying the situation. I engaged in a hypothetical understanding of the situation, yet the only hypothetical I would allow was the one that made me feel the most guilty. More than this, I began to feel guilty that my own guilt was de-railing the true tragedy of the event and that I was being selfish.
Can I actually do anything or not do anything without feeling guilt? I am getting pretty sick of it myself and I cannot imagine how tired my friends must be of my constant efforts to martyr myself. I hope that I can get this under control and at some point, feel worthy of the compassion that they show me at every possible opportunity.
Or perhaps I will feel guilty for taking up their time too.
-The English Student
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