Social Positioning System

Sometimes I do wish that I could turn my brain off in social situations. It would spare us all these overblown analyses.

I was amongst a group of fairly new friends. Things were going well and there was plenty of enjoyable and pleasant conversation. Two people that I had never met before were introduced to me and my night took a turn. These people were lovely, open and friendly, while I was not. I became quiet, practically mute and watched in awe as a friend, having just met them himself went on to have a brilliant conversation with them. I skulked off to another table without even an excuse or a good-bye. The more I write about this, the more disgusted I get with myself so it is time to move on to the imaginary significance I have dreamed up for this event.

I have always found excuses to be on the outside of social activity. For a long time, being on the outside was a physical alignment. I could not go to certain events because I lived too far away or I would not be able to return home after them. People understood this and recognised what felt like a genuine desire to be a more social person. I believed that this was a reason, when in fact it was an excuse. Perhaps people know this and forgive my anti-social behaviour.

I cannot be entirely scathing to myself on this point. I have made quite a few friends recently and have in a sense, moved closer to the centre of this group of friends. But even if I have moved closer to the centre, that does not mean that I have allowed the group to move closer to my centre. Becoming more honest and more open might let me position myself closer to people.

My word, it might even give me a chance to be happy.

-The English Student